What the heck is going on?!?!

Today I had my ultrasound to see how my follies are growing. The right side has a size 13 follie and the left side has 2 size 10 follies. How wonderful. NOT. I have no right fallopian tube. If we let my body ovulate with the right side being the bigger egg no swimmers will get to it and the ones on the left side will do nothing because they are to small. We have hit a road block what do we do? The nurse (who I love, she is so wonderful) says we may need to 1. give medicine to give myself an injection in the morning to stop the right egg from growing and one in the evening to make the left ones grow, 2. stop the whole cycle, or 3. transfer to IVF. My normal doctor is on vacation so this other doctor gets to make the call. Not me the patient. So I am sent home with some expensive medicine in case I have to give myself an injection in the morning and one in the evening and than told I have to wait for Mr. Doctor to make the decision.

The decision was made at noon today to continue my current cycle the way it is. Yup we are doing nothing. We are letting the egg on the right dictate the cycle. This means that we will do an insemination with an egg that is stuck in my right ovary. We are wasting time, money, and meds to just get this cycle done with. If we stopped the cycle the insurance company will say that I still have one more insemination to do before we move to invetro. We cannot convert this cycle to invetro because we still have one more insemination to do (see the catch with this). If we give myself injections in the morning to stop the right egg from growing than the left ones will not grow either. If we continue with the cycle, knowing that it will not work, than we have satisfied insurance requirements and can move on to invetro. Boy am I happy right now. I have to go through all of these hormones, ultrasounds, blood work, and procedure for nothing but to simply satisfy the insurance company requirements. I hope invetro goes better than this. I hope the 1st cycle works. I am getting tired of this.

Should support groups charge?

I have come to the conclusion that I need to find a support group in my area. This was a hard thing to swollow but it finally went down. I, being the smart person that I am I, went online looking for a support group. I came across Resolve and thought how wonderful. They even have one in my area. WAHOOO I have hit the jack pot. Well come to find out Resolve charges $55.00 to be a member!! What the $@#*. Are you serious?!?! This is a group that came together for infertility patients by previous infertiles. They should know how much money we have spent already on treatment and yet they still want money. I am floored by this. The kicker is that they also charge to attend the classes that they offer. They charge people who already paid to be a member to attend their classes. I think I am having a heart attack. So I need to pay $55.00 to be a member and than another $125.00 to attend a class. You cannot be serious. I completely understand that they have business overhead to cover but maybe they should apply for grants or make a deal with some local doctors. We infertility patients should be given a membership for free. I am completely shocked by this. I just cannot understand it. I am left to choose between medicine, co-pays, or my household bills in order to be a member of a support group. I need a support group to handle this. I am now looking for a free support group. Hopefully I will find one soon. Nope I know I will find one.

IVF Patient in training

I carry multiple titles and just recently added a new one to that list. I am officially an IVF Patient in training (well not officially yet because I still have this last IUI to do but close enough). I am scheduled to take the IVF training session next Wednesday from 4-6 with darling hubby. Boy is he looking forward to that. We will learn how to mix the 3 medicines together so that I only have to give myself one shot a day. When I read that some people have to give themselves 3 injections a day I freaked out. Thank god it is only one injection. I could not handle 3. One a day is the line for me.

Oh one more thing!!! I am now considered "seasoned" in my doctors office. That made me cringe. This is one area that I never wanted to be "seasoned" at.

My final IUI

My lovely period has arrived yet again. She is a little late but she still decided to show up. No matter how many trips I send her on she keeps coming back to me. I have offered some pretty nice vacation extended stay packages but nope. What a loyal friend that gal is.

Since she has decided to come home again this means I have one more IUI cycle before moving on to the big guns. Yup invetro fertilization (IVF). I NEVER thought I would still be doing this. I started off with medicine and thought one month of this and sure enough, than my 1st round of IUI and I thought this will work, my 1st round of injection medicine and IUI I thought yup finally we are going to get pregnant, and now my up coming IVF and I am not so sure anymore. I have lost all confidence in myself, my woman hood, and my body. God please help me through this. I am begging you. Please please please help me.

Jealousy

When is jealousy a good thing? Is it ok for me to be jealous that my 2 previous infertility buddies are about to deliver their babies? (MK and Amanda you know I love you dearly) I am not jealous in a mean way but my heart aches to be in their position right now. I want to have the bloated feet. I want the swollen belly. I want all that comes with being pregnant. I know that they, two beautiful women, deserve this. I know they too had struggled with their own form of infertility. I hate that I am jealous but I cannot stop this feeling. I wish it was me telling you about how my fingers look like sausages and that I am having contractions. I cannot tell you how bad I wish I was telling you about these things.

I don't know the answer to my questions but I hope in this case my jealousy is not taken the wrong way. I just long for what they have and I would never do anything to take away what they have.

Mk and Amanda I so wish I did not have these feelings. I know you understand. Please forgive me for being jealous. Please remember I am not jealous in a cruel mean way.

Class reunion

My 10 year class reunion is this year!!! I cannot believe how long it has been. Time has flown by but yet stayed still at the same time. I just cannot get my brain around it. I have been sitting here going over the last ten years of my life and boy has some major things happened to me.

In the last 10 years I have experienced

• my father passing away (4 months after graduation)
• my grandfather passing away
• marrying my husband
• gaining 2 step daughters and a step son
• buying my 1st house
• gaining weight
• my triplet nephews and niece passing away
• graduating from college
• relocating to Georgia
• gaining more weight
• buying my 2nd house down in GA
• gained more weight
• my niece being born
• trying to have a baby on my own
• losing some of said gained weight
• relocating back to MA
• buying my 3rd house here in MA
• gaining the lost weight plus 5 lbs
• still trying to have a baby on my own
• finally going to a doctor for trying to have a baby
• gaining more weight
• having 5 inter uterine inseminations
• and finally still trying to have a baby

It seems like I have a lot of things happening in the last 10 years that should have taking 20 years. I am dreading this reunion. The last time the majority of my classmates saw me was when I was a 110 lbs and full of life. Now I am over weight (some due to meds but mostly due to me getting lazy) and the life drained out of me. I am always the positive one but these last 10 years have really done something to me. Well let me think about how to say this correctly. When I was younger the world was waiting for me and nothing I mean nothing was going to stop me. When ever I wanted something I worked very hard to get it and now I see life as being unfair and mean. I want to be the same positive naive person that I use to be but I cannot get back to her. Maybe this has to do with growing up and all of the stuff our parents warned us about. I just don't know anymore. I wish I was 10 years old again. The famous line of if I only knew then what I know now. For some reason I hear my mothers voice when I think of this line. Head dropping to the table now!

Well I have made another post new years resolution. I am going to find that kid I once was and bring her back to life. I am going to start thinking about the great things that have happened in the last 10 years instead of the bad ones (which goes back to the 1st resolution). I am also going to lose some of the lovely gained weight through this ordeal. Hopefully the infertility medicine will not stop me. Lovely side affect it has.

Well here I go being the new/old me. Wish me luck!

New Years Resolution

My New Years resolution for 2009 is to get pregnant. I know this is a tall order to fill but I am doing it. I don't want the typical loss weight resolution (even though I can afford to lose some). I have already gone through 3 years of working at it so why can't this be it for me. Year 4 has to be luckier. I maybe setting myself up for heart break after heart break but I'm not going to think that. I will stay positive and it will work. No negativity here!!

Where has the time gone?

I am sitting here thinking and came to the conclusion that time flies bad even when you are not having fun. I hit my 1 year mark of taking medicine to try to have a baby and the 3 year mark of trying. Last year at this time I had high hopes. I thought medicine would solve everything but now I am just drained. Exhaustion has set in. Maybe this year will be a better thing for me.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

Hey everyone just a quick note to say HAPY NEW YEAR!!! I am busy planning an April Florida trip for 10 so it is keeping my mind off of thing. No matter what I am determined to have a family vacation in Florida even if that means I have to miss an Invetro cycle. I am not letting infertility rule my life this year. Well talk with you later.