Danika is trying to get around!!!

Danika talking - if you listen closely it sounds like mama!

The love of my life!!

I have limited time but wanted to share this video with you. It is so adorable!!

Ready or not here I come

This past week has been full of life changing events for me. On Monday I turned 30. The big 30. For a birthday present the company that I work for announced on Tuesday that my position is being eliminated. The company decided to eliminate my whole department so that is 30+ new unemployed people. If turning 30 wasn't scary enough then imagine turning 30 and losing your job all in one week. I will be working for the next 60 days and then after that I will be a full time mom collecting unemployment. When they announced the lay off I was ok with it. Heck I saw it coming but now reality has hit. I am scared. Not as scared as I was while going through IVF but still scared. My husband is such a great man and is really my back bone in times like these. He keeps telling me everything will be ok and that this is a blessing. I on the other hand cannot stand living in the unknown. The anxiety of this whole situation is enough to make me just want to jump feet first into this new world right away. I want the band-aid to be riped off all in one pull. I hate prolonging things. URG!!!! I have never not had a job and that frankly scares the poop out of me. The economy is so bad right now. Everyone is having a hard time finding a job. I keep telling myself as long as Danika has pampers and formula everything will be ok. I want to start hoarding the basic things for her just to feel more secure. I know I cannot go out and buy 100's of packs of diapers but maybe if I bought 2 or 3 it will make me feel better. Mental note - do not start an obsessive compulsive disorder during this lay off.. That would not be good! : )

However I do look forward to raising Danika and watching her grow. I have to say being a full time mother sounds wonderful. Not having to answer to a boss about a deadline, why you didn't make your numbers for the month, or having to plan activities around a work schedule is music to my ears. The summer months are a perfect time to not have a job too! Nice weather can always make me smile.

Just like when I went through IVF I do not know what is instore for me. I do know though that my beautiful daughter and my wonderful husband are along for the ride. Danika melts away all of the stress and worry everytime she smiles at me. I love playing with her, watching her learn new things and teaching her about this crazy big world of ours. Now with this lay off I will have more time for those things. So ready or not here I come.

Squeeling already!!

What a year it has been

Yesterday marked the one year IVF anniversary.

Last year at this time I was praying harder than I ever had in my whole life. Today I thank god for my beautiful wonderful daughter every second of every day.

Last year I had sunking into a deep dark place that I never knew was with in me and had no clue how to get out of. Now I am higher than high. I wake up happier than I have ever been and I am loving life. I don't ever want to leave this happiness.

Last year I wore needle scars and bruises that I was embarassed of. People looked at me like I was an addict. To an extent I was. I was addicted to becoming a mommy. This year I am proud of my c-section scar. I wear it proudly cause I know through that scar a new life was born.

Last year my house looked like a pharmacy. It felt cold and sterile. I had vials of drugs in the fridge, needles in the bathroom cabinet and a bright red sharps container on the countertop. Now my house looks more like a daycare. It has warmed up quite a bit and now it houses a family. There are baby things every where and I would have it no other way.

I can go on and on but I will not torture you anymore! Boy what a year it has been. Some times I catch myself thinking of the what ifs. Like what if the procedure did not work but then I stop myself. I remind myself that it did work and I have a wonderful daughter. No more living in the nightmares of infertility. That is a ride that I have finally come off of. Thank god I did cause I have no clue who I would be today if I hadn't. Today I celebrate the life that I have and the family that science has provided me with. THANK GOD for science and those amazing doctors at Bay State Reproduction. If I could give each one of them a hug I would. The amazing work that they do make dreams come true. I know mine has.

Thank you lord for this amazing daughter that I have. Thank you for the ability to be a mom. Thank you for helping me through the dark days of IVF and infertility. Thank you does not seem like enough though.

As promised.....